The Shortest Dark Harry Story Ever
by Hybrid Blade
Summary: This is just something to make fun of every Wannabe Dark Harry story i have ever seen. Contains pitiful Dark!Harry and Manipulative!Evil!Dumbledore.


**A.N: Before I start this, know that it isn't serious, and I'm doing this for fun. It will probably make no sense, but heck, this is what you see in horrid, cliché, Independent!Harry stories with Manipulative!Dumbledore. **

**Disclaimer: Now now now… Why would I bother writing this if I owned Harry Potter? All I own is the books, and my memory of half of the Harry Potter Lexicon site and the lesser used spells. **

**Warning: THIS WILL CONTAIN HORRID USE OF WORDS, OVERUSED PLOT CLICHES! NOTE THIS IS A PARODY!You have been warned. This is not my writing, but me mocking a lot of people's writing. Enjoy. **

Harry James Potter for absolutely no reason was brooding about Sirius. He had been his father figure, killed by that bitch Bellatrix and Moldyshorts! This is supposed to be Dark!Harry but Harry is going to disrespect all authority figures for no reason and call Dumbledore dumbasadoor, an extremely immature thing for a "Dark" Person to say.

All of a sudden, Harry's window busted open, and in came his owl, Hedwig. She was carrying four letters: A Hogwarts letter, and a letter with the Gringotts seal on it, which for no reason Harry knows, even though at this point he hadn't really received a Gringotts letter before, and two from his best friends in the whole world, who Harry thought very fondly of and knew could do no wrong.

Opening the letter from his first friend, Ron, he read:

_I know I didn't blame you at school Potter, but now I hate you! If you come near Hermione you fucking dark wizard, I will kill you! Even though you own me in every sense of the word and I am a cowardly jealous git, which the author of this fic doesn't believe a freaking second. _

_Signed the Boy-who-should-have-lived, because the people who write this crap don't know about real human emotions, _

_Ron, your not best friend anymore!_

"What the fuck?" Harry quirked an eyebrow. "What the hell is with the exclamation points? Oh wait, oops! This is my part! GRR!" Harry was suddenly angry, and wanted to kill Ron, even though he should have better things to do, even if he was at the Dursleys.

Still angry and seeking comfort, Harry opened Hermione's letter and read:

_I hate you because Ron hates you and you won't suck Dumbledore's wrinkled cock Potter! Fuck you Potter! You should listen to what Dumbledore tells you and shit, and I am an ugly know-it-all who has no life who is shagging Ron to make you jealous!_

_Signed,_

_Hermione!_

"Once again, what the fuck is with the exclamation? Who the hell writes this shit in letters? Oh wait, GRR!" Now Harry wanted to kill Hermione!

Still pissed, Harry read the Dumbledore letter:

_Harry my boy! I am a manipulative old fuck so here: You will stay at your home for the rest of the summer and be a good bi- I mean weapon! Furthermore, SNAPE PWNS YOUR ASS!_

_Signed,_

_Albus Percival Wolfric Retarded-assed-number-of-names Dumbledore, Chief of all Wizarding societies and most powerful wizard in universe. _

"Wow. This author fucking sucks. Why do I always get the dumb-ass ones who want to copy the good shit people like LT2000 and Yarrgh make? I mean really, in there I got some good pussy… WAIT I MEAN… Grrr!" _He will continue all his manipulations, even though the author has no fucking clue what it means most likely! I own at this shit! Wait a minute, that makes me think! If I can levitate someone 4000 feet in the air with the first light spell ever learned and drop them, it's dark! Pay no attention to the crappy overused cliché here folks! _

Making a note to check into the Dark arts to tick off Dumbledore later, he read the next letter:

_Dear Harry James Potter, (Who the hell ever said that was your middle name anyway? And what's with these losers who say your name is Harold?) _

_Harry Potter, even though no one ever said it or recognized it, the Potter line is long and great! And you have many other titles, and for no reason, a bank, when it should be the wizengamot or ministry that handles this, will read the will of Sirius Orion Black for you! Aren't you special you little bastard! Now give me your damn money! _

_Signed,_

_Head of Gringotts and dude who totally ripped a fucking MMORPG's name, Lord Ragnarok. _

"Sweet! I get to spend money! I mean. Cough Oh boo-hoo! I don't want to spend Sirius's money! I want him back!" Harry cried while violin music played in the background.

Finding a portkey in his letter, he grabbed it without thinking, and with a tug behind his navel, he was gone.

"Oh hello Mr. Potter! I am a random goblin who sat here and waited while that damn owl trekked about a whole freaking state to see you!" The goblin cried happily and completely OOC like a drunk house-elf.

"GASP! I know you! You're Griphook! The first goblin I ever met!" Harry smiled warmly for no reason, even though seconds before he wanted to kill someone.

"OH MY GOD!" The Goblin exploded in a huge thunderous orgasm because Harry remembered him, which makes no fucking sense.

"…That was gay Hybrid." Harry muttered.

_Much later…Dumbledore's office…_

"Mwahahaha! I own and manipulate Harry Potter, unaware that all it would take is one simple mother-fucking trip to Gringotts to ruin my plot which I spent around 50 years devising because I am a glory hog who wants Harry to become my puppet and satyr!" Dumbledore somehow said all that without a breath because the author sucks and doesn't know what periods and commas are.

_Ragnarok's office made of gold for no reason…_

Harry sat on the other side of the desk, being polite to the goblin.

"Now Harry, that we have got the will over with, shall we find out you're total galleons?" The goblin asked, smiling curtly in a very ungoblin-ish way.

"How much!" Harry cried.

"Let me see. You are the heir of Godric, Rowena, Helga, Salazar, Merlin, Grindelwald, a shit load of others, and magic itself! You have in total: 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Galleons!" The goblin smiled.

_Dumbledore's office…_

"We will manipulate Harry Potter! Mwahahahahaa!" Dumbledore mwahaha'd.

"Alright, well where is the brat?" Snape sneered.

"I'll check the device." Dumbledore said, rising. He went to the tracking device, using the bug he had put on Harry at age 3 minutes to keep track of his whereabouts forever, since he was an effing stalker with nothing better to do.

"OH NO!" He screamed. Everyone gasped as the magic billowed out of it and blew it up in Dumbledore's face, causing a whole plate of metal to hit him and make him fall unconscious.

"What the fuck is with this author and this day?" Tonks murmured, who had apparently appeared from thin air without apparition.

"Well, this is certainly the biggest lunatic we have ever gotten. Agreed?" Minerva asked.

Everyone nodded.

**A.N: That is my view on the sheer absurdness and low-level quality fics. Notice how I used run-on sentences and sometimes capitalized when unneeded. I also had Harry act foolishly when he was supposed to be dark. This is what is in every fic I have ever seen trying to create Dark!Harry but only succeed in looking like dumb-asses. **

**This was purely from enjoyment, not a rant, not something to rile people up, just for enjoyment, something you review whores(No offence some of you…) Will ever understand.**


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